I’m Not Who I Want to Be—But I’m Still Holding On to Jesus

I’m not impressed with who I’ve been becoming lately, and I’m not proud of how I’ve been presenting myself.

It’s hard to reconcile who we are and what we’ve been through with who Jesus is and what He expects of us. It reminds me of that passage in Romans where Paul says:

“I do not understand what I do: For what I want to do, I do not do, but what I hate, I do... For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.”

This spiritual struggle is frustrating because I do have a real, genuine desire to live for God and uplift His name. But at the same time, I find myself sometimes deeply irritated by people who don’t have that same desire to live by God’s standards. It’s not that I expect perfection (clearly, I’m not doing so great myself), but there’s a specific kind of frustration that comes from being surrounded by people who don’t even care to acknowledge that there is a standard.

There are the moments when I try to pray, and it feels tight in my chest, like the words can't come out. It’s hard to ask for things I don’t feel I deserve. Hard to pray for courage to face things I don’t feel equipped to handle. But then I remember: the opposition doesn’t want me to pray. Because maybe praying, especially when it’s hard, is exactly what God wants me to do. Maybe keeping that line of communication open is the challenge itself.

As I grow, I begin to notice things I never noticed before - new fears, new realizations, the weight of the world, and the brokenness in those around me. And yet, I know all I can really do is remain faithful. Plant seeds. Ask God to transform me, especially in the areas I still fall short.

But sometimes I wonder: how will people believe me? That my intentions are intended to be good?

When I can’t even control my emotions in certain situations?

When people get angry with me for not acting how they want me to?

When I accidentally burn bridges over things that, looking back, probably didn’t even matter?

There are days when I want to throw everyone away because I feel misunderstood. (How emo does that sound? What’s my age again? Lol.)

But it’s real. That feeling is real. And I know Jesus calls me to more. To forgive, even when it’s hard. To live for His glory, not my emotions. Because it’s not just about me, but the spiritual battle for our souls.

Back to Paul in Romans:

“In my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me... What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!”

That’s the reminder, because I seriously wonder: who would I even be without the cross?

I haven’t consistently been reading my Bible according to the plan I created, and it sucks, because it's honestly not that hard to prioritize an hour to read, journal, and say my morning prayers - to let God know He's good. I know it’s not pure laziness; there’s some hints of opposition in there for sure. But prayer is powerful. Prayer has to be prioritized, even when I don’t feel like it, because that’s how the spiritual discipline is built.

Today’s prayer was hard. I realized I’ve been avoiding circumstances I really need to face. But those things won’t just go away. I need the Spirit to intercede because, honestly, even this journal entry feels dry. I can’t find the right words, but I know how it’s making me feel.

Sometimes the reality of how much more I need God than He needs me just hits, and I need Him to know that I’m not done trying.

And I need myself to be confident of this: that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. (Phil. 1:6)